Funnies (Some very un PC!)

Superb Spoof Cricket Commentary

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WISDOM FROM TRAINING

MANUALS

'If the enemy is in range, so are you.'
- Infantry Journal-

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'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.'
- US. Air Force Manual -

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'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons.'
- General MacArthur -

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'Tracers work both ways.'
- Army Ordnance Manual-

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'Five second fuses last about three seconds.'
- Infantry Journal -

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'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.'
- Naval Ops Manual -

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'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.'
- Unknown Infantry Recruit-

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'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up to him.'
- Infantry Journal-

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'Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.'
- Sign over SR71 Wing Ops-

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'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.'
- Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot)-

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'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
-Unknown Author-

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'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.'
- Fixed Wing Pilot-

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'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'
-Multi-Engine Training Manual-

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'Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club.'
-Unknown Author-

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'If you hear me yell;” Eject, Eject, Eject!", the last two will be echoes.'
If you stop to ask "Why?", you'll be talking to yourself, because by then you'll be the pilot.'
-Pre-flight Briefing from a Canadian F104 Pilot-

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'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies.'
-Sign over Control Tower Door-

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'Never trade luck for skill.'
-Author Unknown-

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The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military aviation are:’ Did you feel that?' 'What's that noise?' and 'Oh S...!'
-Authors Unknown-

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'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'
-Basic Flight Training Manual-

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'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.'
- Emergency Checklist-

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'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.'
- Attributed to Max Stanley ( Northrop test pilot) -

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'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.'
-Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB , AZ-

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'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.' - Lead-in Fighter Training Manual -

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As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft,

having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives.

The rescuer sees the bloodied pilot and asks, ‘What happened?'
The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'

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The best tax disc holder ever!!!

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Atlanta Airport

You gotta love this one even if you've never lived in the South. Some of you will enjoy this more than others.... Southerners are so polite!

Atlanta Tower: "Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land on runway 9R."

Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta . Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised."

Atlanta Tower: "Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land on runway 27L."

Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta . We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 27L. -Allah is Great."

Pause...

Saudi Air: ATLANTA TOWER- ATLANTA TOWER !"

Atlanta Tower: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511."

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE!"

Atlanta Tower: "Well, bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all go on ahead now and tell Allah "Hey" for us."

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Tommy (with apologies to  Kipling)

Written by Patrick Campbell RM (amended by Heilan)

They  flew me 'ome from Afghanistan with a bullet in me chest.

Cos they've  closed the army 'ospitals, I'm in the NHS.

The nurse, she ain't no  Britisher an' so she ain't impressed.

It's like I'm some street corner  thug who's come off second best.

Yes, it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that,  an' "You're not welcome 'ere".

But when Bin Laden's collar'd, they'll  be quick enough to cheer.

They're proud when Tommy Atkins 'olds the  thin red line out there,

But now he's wounded back at 'ome, he has to  wait for care.

Some stranger in the next bed sez, "Don't you feel no  shame?

You kill my Muslim brothers!" So it's me not 'I'm to  blame!

An' then the cleaner ups an' sez "Who are you fightin'  for?

It ain't for Queen and country 'cos it's Bush's bloody  war!"

It's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' "Tommy, what's that  smell?"

But it's "God go with you, Tommy," when they fly us out to  'ell.

O then we're just like 'eroes from the army's glorious  past.

Yes, it's "God go with you, Tommy," when the trip might be your  last.

They pays us skivvy wages, never mind we're sitting  ducks,

When clerks what's pushing pens at 'ome don't know their  flippin' luck.

"Ah, yes" sez they "but think of all the travel to be  'ad."

Pull the other one. Does Cooks do 'olidays in Afghan?

It's  Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' "Tommy, know your place,"

But it's  "Tommy, take the front seat," when there's terrorists to chase.

An'  the town is full of maniacs who'd like you dead toot sweet.

Yes, it's  "Thank you, Mr Atkins," when they find you in the street.

There's  s'pposed to be a covynant to treat us fair an' square

But I 'ad to buy  me army boots, an' me combats is threadbare.

An' 'alf the bloody  'elicopters can't get into the air,

An' me pistol jammed when snipers  fired. That's why I'm laid up 'ere.

Yes, it's Tommy this, an' Tommy  that, "We 'ave to watch the pence";

Bold as brass the P.M. Sez, "We  spare them no expense."

"But I'll tell you when they do us proud  an' pull out all the stops,

It's when Tommy lands at Lyneham in a  bloomin' wooden box !

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The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German,which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will
make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expected to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer, people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with"z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

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LORD, THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER!

Judy married Ted and had 13 children. Then Ted died of cancer.

She married again, and she and Bob had 7 more children.

Then Bob was killed in a car accident.

Judy again remarried,

and she had 5 more children with John.

Eventually, after bearing 25 children, Judy died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,

"Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:

"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

Margaret replied:....

"I think he means her legs, Ethel...."

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Superb joke

A Royal Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi insurgent, badly injured and unconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was a British soldier in a similar but less serious state.  The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the platoon leader asked the injured soldier what had happened.

The soldier reported, "I was moving North along the highway here, and coming South was a heavily armed insurgent.  We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches beside the road".

"I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife cowardly scum bag who got what he deserved"
, and he yelled back that

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"Gordon Brown is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing half-blind Jock, and Lord Mandelson is a cross-dressing pervert."

So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian.

He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Harriet Harman!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands in agreement, when a bus hit us."

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A wise man once said, "There are Lies, Damn Lies, and statistics"

Using statistics you can prove anything!!

Even that BREAD KILLS!!!!

Bread Kills!

1. More than 98 percent of convicted criminals are bread users. 2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on sats tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. Every piece of bread you eat brings you nearer to death.
5. Bread is associated with all the major diseases of the body. For example, nearly all sick people have eaten bread. The effects are obviously cumulative:

• 99.9% of all people who die from cancer have eaten bread.
• 100% of all soldiers have eaten bread.
• 96.9% of all Communist sympathizers have eaten bread.
• 99.7% of the people involved in air and car accidents ate bread within 6 months preceding the accident.
• 93.1% of juvenile delinquents came from homes where bread is served frequently.

6. Evidence points to the long-term effects of bread eating: Of all people born before 1839 who later dined on bread, there has been a 100% mortality rate. 7. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as a teaspoon of dough can be used to suffocate a lab rat. The average Britain eats more bread than that in one day!
8. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.
9. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and being fed only water begged for bread after as little as two days.
10. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jam, peanut butter, and even cold meat.
11. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
12. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
13. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
14. Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:
1. No sale of bread to children.
2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and car stickers.
3. A 300 percent tax on all bread to pay for all the social ills we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.

There, that just shows the power of statistics......

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A Passport letter

With apologies for the language herein but haven't you often wanted to write a letter like this? Wonderful !
AN ACTUAL PASSPORT LETTER SENT:

Dear  Sirs,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.  How is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1977, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date.

For goodness sake, do you guys do this by hand?  My birth date you have on my pension book, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my National Health card, my driving license, my car insurance, on the last eight damn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be abso-fucking-lutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!

I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of  this bullshit!  You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my fucking address !!!!

What is going on?  Do you have a gang of Neanderthal arseholes or cunts workin' there?  Look at my damn fucking picture.  Do I look like Bin Laden?  I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes.  I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere. And would someone please tell me, why  would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the  next 15 days?  If  I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last fucking people I'd want to tell!
Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the poxy city to get another fucking copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of £30.  Would it be so complicated  to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?? Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe makes sense.  You'd  rather have us  running all over the fuckin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then have to find some arsehole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic fuckin' morons)  Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off!

Signed
An Irate Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me?  Well, my family has  been in this country since 1776 ......... I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security  clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world. ........  However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN FUCKING PAKISTAN !

Sincerely,

from You Sure The Hell Should Know Who.

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Old Cowboy

You think you have lived to be 60 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to the dickens...

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a real cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'